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Feb
05
I’ve started telling our daughters I’m beautiful. I look in the mirror and with them by my side I say, I look good. Saying so is part of believing so.
And when I slip on a bikini to take them to family swim night, I say, I like the print, the shape of the strap and I like how it feels. No, I can’t say I love how I look in a swimmy suit yet, but I’m getting there. Three girls later and the map of lines left on my body speaks to me more than just how I grew to offer them a home inside. I’m far from loving these marks of a changed self, actually. But they trace to my heart and all of what I know is true about worth and confidence.
It all begins with hearing the words and learning from those around us. With three daughters, it hurts to know that even on this tiny island there are second graders on a playground talking about diets and exercise. These questions come home and slip around the corner as I stand over the sink.
Mama, how old do I have to be to go on a diet. I heard someone tell someone they should be on a diet, said Betty right before supper.
I could have talked her into drowsy and right past tomorrow. With words like society and media and image and cliques I could have made her head spin. She already knows we eat local and our food has a story to tell with a somewhat-happy ending. She knows exercise means play and breathing salty air and having a good time.
Beauty is more than clean fingernails and Chap-sticked lips, more than combed hair and blackened lashes. Beauty isn’t lipstick and a sucked-in tummy. It isn’t a different shirt and it isn’t another way to part her hair. It isn’t a little more blush and a whole lot of eye shadow.
Beauty is in the heart, and people see it when we smile, I say.
Of course I like the routine of getting fancy, I like products and lipstick and lip liner. I like getting my nails done, and I like a shower shelf stocked with options: detangling, moisturizing. I like night cream as much as I like body glitter and a feathered brush.
I was raised by a woman of a different generation. My mama doesn’t go outside without makeup, and now she texts me from another coast to ask how my hair looks. She wants to know if I’m combing it. It’s taken me almost a lifetime to realize that’s her way of checking in. She wants to know if I’m taking a moment to look in the mirror and if I like what I see.
These days, some mornings are spent in heels and some are spent in pajama pants. I tell our girls it feels fun to be fancy, but it is just as important to be real.
I don’t ever use words like diet and extra pounds. I don’t stare at my stretch marks, and I don’t name new wrinkles. I ask them to comb my hair, pick out my lipstick. And when they tell me I’m beautiful, even in a knit cap and a hoodie, I downright believe it.
:::
and today, a bit of unedited writing
joining Just Write
28 Comments
One Trackback
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[...] for your comments and messages on a piece that was really so, so hard for me to press post on. A Different Kind of Model has reached so many of you and for that I am [...]
Oh wow. How I loved this!
thanks, 6512. so good to hear you think so on such a raw, piece I wasn’t sure if I’d hit ‘publish.’ thanks.
I love this! How beautiful, how eloquent, how very needed and how right!
thank you. you’re right. it’s something that needs to be heard, how ever hard it feels to say.
love this and you!
you, my dear are awesome. thanks for reading ms. habit of being..
you’re awesome. i can learn from this, it definitely convicted my heart… xo
to know it’s my words got to your heart…well, that’s the best.
this made me tear up, jenn. you are downright beautiful and your daughters are too.
thank you so much dear katie. xoxo
Love this piece – ” beauty is in the heart and people see it when we smile” – wise words and so very true, going to try to remember this myself when I next put on my bathing suit. Thanks
thank you. it’s the hardest thing to remember. rock your suit with a smile..
This should be the theme of womanhood! I wish I had read, memorized, and practiced your words when my daughters were growing up!!!
oh, wow. thank you, kaye.
Beautiful…inside and out. XO
oh, thank you. it’s honest and it was scary to post it. thanks for reading and making me smile.
This might be my favorite bit you have ever written Jen. I keep re-reading it. I wish I had an ounce of your raw talent…you are truly gifted, I loved it! xx
amber, you are the best. thank you for your kind words..
i found this via jules from pancakesandfrenchfries. it’s really lovely and true. they’re not only listening to our words, they’re watching our faces as we observe the world and ourselves. and they’re modeling after us- it’s how they will begin to know the world themselves. a lot to think on.
it is such a big concept to think that our babes first experience the words through us. we have to be so, so careful. xoxo thank you.
Hey there. I lost track of you for a while…my reader doesn’t update your blog. Anyway. LOVED this. So perfect. We (already!) are trying to be conscious about how we talk about bodies and beauty to our daughters (1 and 3 now). My hair has been a train wreck for *years* (since Juniper was born my hair completely changed), but the other day when I overheard Juniper say her hair was “so ugly” I though, “Uh oh. I have to change.” And since then, if I can’t say anything nice about my hair (or myself, or another woman), I don’t say anything at all. I too grew up with a mom who doesn’t leave her bedroom without doing her hair and makeup and has talked about dieting ever since I can remember (and still does). I’d like to see the next generation of women view themselves differently. Thanks for this.
it is so hard to change patterns. good for you for trying. i’m trying, too.
Wise and beautiful you are. I often try to instill in my kids what beauty really is without talking them to death. They hear the craziest stuff at school. I absolutely love what you have written. Thank you.
xo,
Ang
PS do you mind if I pin this on Pinterest? I would love to share it (with proper linking of course), but if not it’s cool.
I AM SO happy to hear this.
I think if everyone knew what you shared, the world would be a very very different place. Actually, I know it would be.
thank you so much for saying this. i really believe it, too.
Yes yes yes. I can say without shame that I find it exceedingly difficult at the point I’m in on my journey. But like you said, saying it is part of the battle towards believing it. And so I do say it. And I do believe it. Thank you, beautiful soul, for unabashedly sharing your heart with us.
thank you for taking in my words..xoxo
[...] for your comments and messages on a piece that was really so, so hard for me to press post on. A Different Kind of Model has reached so many of you and for that I am [...]
love this too, my dear!
on another note, you dropped out of my ‘reader feed’ a few months ago…i’m guessing it was with the blog redo…which i love, btw. i will try to fix on my end, but thought you might want to know.
hope you and yours are well!
(and i don’t know why matt’s photo keeps coming up with my comments…aaarrggh!)